To use witchcraft properly, you must first understand the historic origins of your mystical gift: A primordial magic was unleashed eons ago when a sexy, naked Eve (who happened to be hopped up on peyote) single-handedly prevented the destruction of our celestial orb. Using only her feminine wiles and several multipurpose velociraptors like meaty nine irons, Eve saved Earth by deflecting a series of would-be planet-wrecking asteroids. As a “Hey, thanks!” Mother Earth promised to imbue all women with the power of mysticism and a connection to the pure natural world.
We’ve researched several ancient mystical texts and found the most useful spells for today’s nerve-grating irritations. Using a little necromancy and a lot of mojo, we’ve manifested them right here on your computer screen.
Note: For your convenience, each of these spells contains five ingredients or less and a quick how-to guide.
One: Unclog a Sluggish Bathtub Drain
Ingredients: One white candle, a twig from a peepal tree, three ounces of Drano.
Spell: Face west. Light the white candle with your left hand while pouring Drano into your tub with your right hand. Count backwards from six. Break the peepal tree twig as you extinguish the candle.
Two: Land the Most Coveted Table in the Chicest Restaurant
Ingredients: One ostrich feather, a pinch of crushed bishopwart, a handful of fine sand, a glass jar, a crisp fifty-dollar bill.
Spell: Place the feather, bishopwart, sand, and fifty-dollar bill in the glass jar. Shake gently. Remove contents from jar. Discretely place fifty-dollar bill in hand of maitre d’.
Three: Score an Elusive Lover
Ingredients: A polished stone, essence of seawrack, a hot pink Victoria’s Secret Very Sexy Push-up Bra with Gel-Curve.
Spell: Rub the polished stone with essence of seawrack. Put on push-up bra. Bounce up and down three times, first facing east, then west, then east again. Put polished stone in your pocket. Seek out desired lover. Repeat bouncing regimen as many times as needed.
Four: Fix a Busted Wi-Fi Network
Ingredients: Three trefoil leaves, one large purple crystal, a small mirror, one Ethernet cable, an ornery domestic cat.
Spell: Coil the Ethernet around your left hand. Make eye contact with the cat as you carefully place the trefoil leaves and crystal on the mirror. Unplug and re-plug your router three times. Replace your Ethernet cable. Pet the cat.
Five: Slice Your Monthly Food Budget in Half
Ingredients: A discarded chicken bone, a dash of aniseed, a bowl of salt, a Costco membership application.
Spell: Sit with your legs crossed, facing west. Create a salt circle around yourself. Cast the chicken bone out of the circle. Sprinkle aniseed over your right shoulder. Fill out Costco membership application.
Remember, ladies, the power lies within. May the blessings of Gaia be upon you!
TWO: I’m thinkin’ a 20 would do the same trick… or even a tenner. LOL
Love it.