Cthulhu’s In My Bathtub!

Oh, no!  H.P. Lovecraft’s slimy octopus-dragon-overlord has escaped from the undersea dungeon of R’lyeh, crawled through the sewers, and manifested himself in your tub!  What do you do?  Kill it?  Worship it?  Feed it your rose-scented soap-on-a-rope?

One thing’s for sure, Cthulhu is more versatile than 10,000 rubber duckies!

cthulhu_rubber-duck

Source: Pull.imgfave.netdna-cdn.com

Here are twenty things you can do with a soapy Cthulhu!

1. Build a shrine to H.P. Lovecraft on the back of your toilet.

2. Ask Cthulhu to loofa your back.

cthulhu2_painting

Do my back first!  (Source: fmanha.com.br)

3. Conference call 9-1-1, Animal Control, the CDC, and a plumber.

4. Lull Cthulhu to sleep by reading to him from the Necronomicon.

necronomicon_richard-poppe

Dude, did you see the centerfold?

5. Charge admission to your bathroom.  ”Five bucks to see The Great Old One.  Ten bucks to pet Cthulhu while you’re on the crapper.”

6. Find out once and for all if Cthulhu was the monster in Cloverfield.

cloverfield-monster

I’ll never tell, tee hee hee.

7. Keep repeating ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn, no matter what.

8. Ask Cthulhu for advice on how to redecorate your bathroom with a non-Euclidian motif.


9. Try to banish Cthulhu with a plunger, some Drano, and the coordinates to R’lyeh.


10. Add some lavender scented bath salts and use Cthulhu as a bath pillow.


cthulhu_awakening_front_poster_by_johnfsebastian1
Source: epicponyz.com

11. Pour two glasses of cognac, draw a bath, and invite the all-powerful entity in.  Spend some time getting drunk and exchanging stories.


12. Act out a shokushu goukan fantasy.

tentacle-octopus
13. Very nicely ask Cthulhu if he can unstop your sluggish drain with his telepathic power.

14. Invite your nerdier friends over to play the RPG Call of Cthulhu.  There’s no way you’ll lose this time!


15. See if Cthulhu can summon some shoggoths out of your drain to clean your apartment and otherwise be your slaves.


16. Blast Metallica’s “Call of Ktulu” into the bathroom and see if the situation improves or deteriorates.

wald-metallica_cthulu

Image credit: Jonathan de Wald

17. Use Cthulhu’s slobber as volumizing conditioner.

18. Turn the hot water on full blast.  Boil Cthulhu.  Invite your friends over for “calamari.”

calamari-thumb-1
Would you like some Yog-Sothoth with your Cthulhu?

19. Exfoliate the beast.


20. Commence your plans for world domination — One bathtub at a time.

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About the author

Kristen Bobst

Kristen Bobst is a grade-A comedy writer, an unstoppable sock puppeteer, and the world's foremost whimsy aficionado. She certainly believes the meaning of life really is 42; and right now Kristen is really into The Carrie Diaries. Comediva. Where the funny girls are.

View all articles by Kristen Bobst