An apocalypse may not seem like the most ideal time to feel sexy, but it can be! Think of the adrenaline rush of knowing it's the end of the world, and the wonders it can do for your genitals.
Also consider that for a man, the biological urge to spread his seed is only increased if he feels his days are numbered. Plus, there's the good old, "fucking to feel alive again" that happens when your world has been shattered and shredded before your eyes by a horrific apocalyptic scenario.
But the age-old question remains: which apocalypse is the sexiest? The zombie apocalypse? The nuclear winter apocalypse? Or is it that global warming apocalypse, the sucker that's on the tip of Al Gore's tongue?
Robot Apocalypse
Scenario: As depicted in the Terminator and Matrix movies, robots or computers rise up and conquer humanity. While at first, this might sound sexy, if you're a techie addict, the whole enslavement thing can be a real bummer.
Pros:
- When your world's been conquered by cold, emotionless machines, the "fucking to feel human" clause comes into play in a major way ... possibly even moreso than in other apocalypses, because we ALSO have to remind ourselves how "different" we are from the machines.
- Cave raves! When the Matrix sequels finally showed us the last human bastion of Zion, everyone was dressed in pretty revealing, raggedy clothing, seemed pretty sexy and DTF, and in-between battling an unstoppable machine army, they sway their shiny bodies around in EPIC raves.
Cons:
- Humanity has been enslaved. It's a little hard to get your juices flowing when you're trying to keep from getting squashed by an enormous flying hunter-killer death machine with tentacles. Unless you're into hentai, we guess.
- In the Matrix scenario, it's no different from regular early twenty-first century life, unless you get unplugged. Getting unplugged sucks, because as we know, ignorance is bliss. So, as long as the robots let us stay in our bubbles, it's pretty sexy; if you're unplugged, it's pretty un-fucking sexy.
Sexy Points: 5
Vampire Apocalypse
Scenario: Tired of skulking around in the dark and being fawned over by pimply tween girls, the vamps have revealed their existence -- and mankind is now their Happy Meal.
Pros:
- Count Dracula. Lestat. Angel. Spike. Edward Cullen. Bill Compton. Stefan & Damon Salvatore. The tall, dark and (blood)lusty vampire is potentially one of the sexier ways to go, depending on how said vamp handles it. When he mesmerizes you with his gaze and runs his well-manicured talon down your spine, you'll gladly offer up your jugular.
- Plus, if Mr. Bitey is feeling lonely, there's potential to become a vampire. Which is pretty fucking sexy. Just make sure you shaved your legs and you're happy with your last haircut downstairs, because that's how you're going to be stuck forever ... or until some do-gooder vamp slayer stakes your ass, and not in a good way.
Cons:
- There's also another kind of vampire. The ugly kind. See: Blade II, 30 Days of Night, Uber-vamps from the final season of "Buffy." These bloodsuckers aren't all that concerned with being mysterious and batting their smoldering eyes at you. They're far more interested in tearing open your throat with their distended jaws. Not sexy.
- Human Farms. Every once in a while, an enterprising vamp thinks big and decides to grow his own supply. Being chattel for your immortal, murderous master isn't quite how you imagined "Happily ever after."
Sexy Points: 6
Post-Nuclear Apocalypse
Scenario: Again, mankind has punished itself for creating nuclear weapons in some World War III scenario that results in widespread death, devastated cities, and other effects, such as blindness, from the hole we blasted in the ozone.
Pros:
- Being blind is kinda like being blindfolded, which is always sexy.
- The nuclear fallout results in widespread mutations. Before you know it, three-breasted women and multi-penised dudes will litter the barren landscape. Score! Because there's some, and then there's more.
- Mila Kunis is in The Book of Eli. Mila Kunis is sexy. According to the transitive property of equality, post-nuclear apocalypses are sexy.
Cons:
- Rationing lube = not sexy.
- People killing each other for handiwipes = not sexy.
- Lack of modern conveniences, such as plumbing, leads to mondo stinkiness. However, this is mitigated by the fact that absolutely everything smells like shit, so you can't really tell that the hot dude with the eyepatch hasn't washed his balls in three years.
Sexy Points: 7.5
Zombie Apocalypse
Scenario: You know the drill. Whether viral or voodoo, something makes the dead walk the Earth, reverting to their basest instincts and craving human flesh. Sounds pretty sexy, right?
WRONG. The zombie apocalypse is, in fact, the LEAST sexy apocalypse.
Pros:
- Are you fucking kidding?!
Cons:
- Everyone stinks from the zombie filth they have to spread upon themselves in order to stay masked from the undead. Nothing squashes libido faster than picking clumps of dried-up bile out of your hair before boning.
- If you watched last week's "The Walking Dead," you know that children are always getting lost in the woods or shot by some yokel, which can be a big distraction from sexy time.
- Watching the undead hordes rip someone's flesh apart is a total mood-killer, especially when they get back up and try to eat you.
- Any sexual relationships that do develop seem to lead to awkwardness and suicide within your wandering tribe (See: all Walking Dead relationships)
Sexy Points: 2
Global Warming Apocalypse
Scenario: Global warming causes the polar ice caps to melt, drowning the Earth in rising levels of water. Survivors have to learn to live in this "Waterworld," and some turn kinda fishy.
Pros:
- Everyone's always wet and has tanned, lithe, muscular, swimmer bodies. There's lots of screwing.
- It's like a year-long pool party you never have to leave! Bring on the mojitos! Just steer clear of those pirates over there, they're not the Johnny Depp kind.
- Underwater sex is a major turn-on.
Cons:
- Watch out for sharks. They are drawn to the smell of ocean sex.
- The aforementioned pirates. If you're lucky, the only thing you'll catch from them is scabies.
Sexy Points: 9.5
Also consider that for a man, the biological urge to spread his seed is only increased if he feels his days are numbered. Plus, there's the good old, "fucking to feel alive again" that happens when your world has been shattered and shredded before your eyes by a horrific apocalyptic scenario.
But the age-old question remains: which apocalypse is the sexiest? The zombie apocalypse? The nuclear winter apocalypse? Or is it that global warming apocalypse, the sucker that's on the tip of Al Gore's tongue?
Robot Apocalypse
Scenario: As depicted in the Terminator and Matrix movies, robots or computers rise up and conquer humanity. While at first, this might sound sexy, if you're a techie addict, the whole enslavement thing can be a real bummer.
Pros:
- When your world's been conquered by cold, emotionless machines, the "fucking to feel human" clause comes into play in a major way ... possibly even moreso than in other apocalypses, because we ALSO have to remind ourselves how "different" we are from the machines.
- Cave raves! When the Matrix sequels finally showed us the last human bastion of Zion, everyone was dressed in pretty revealing, raggedy clothing, seemed pretty sexy and DTF, and in-between battling an unstoppable machine army, they sway their shiny bodies around in EPIC raves.
Cons:
- Humanity has been enslaved. It's a little hard to get your juices flowing when you're trying to keep from getting squashed by an enormous flying hunter-killer death machine with tentacles. Unless you're into hentai, we guess.
- In the Matrix scenario, it's no different from regular early twenty-first century life, unless you get unplugged. Getting unplugged sucks, because as we know, ignorance is bliss. So, as long as the robots let us stay in our bubbles, it's pretty sexy; if you're unplugged, it's pretty un-fucking sexy.
Sexy Points: 5
Vampire Apocalypse
Scenario: Tired of skulking around in the dark and being fawned over by pimply tween girls, the vamps have revealed their existence -- and mankind is now their Happy Meal.
Pros:
- Count Dracula. Lestat. Angel. Spike. Edward Cullen. Bill Compton. Stefan & Damon Salvatore. The tall, dark and (blood)lusty vampire is potentially one of the sexier ways to go, depending on how said vamp handles it. When he mesmerizes you with his gaze and runs his well-manicured talon down your spine, you'll gladly offer up your jugular.
- Plus, if Mr. Bitey is feeling lonely, there's potential to become a vampire. Which is pretty fucking sexy. Just make sure you shaved your legs and you're happy with your last haircut downstairs, because that's how you're going to be stuck forever ... or until some do-gooder vamp slayer stakes your ass, and not in a good way.
Cons:
- There's also another kind of vampire. The ugly kind. See: Blade II, 30 Days of Night, Uber-vamps from the final season of "Buffy." These bloodsuckers aren't all that concerned with being mysterious and batting their smoldering eyes at you. They're far more interested in tearing open your throat with their distended jaws. Not sexy.
- Human Farms. Every once in a while, an enterprising vamp thinks big and decides to grow his own supply. Being chattel for your immortal, murderous master isn't quite how you imagined "Happily ever after."
Sexy Points: 6
Post-Nuclear Apocalypse
Scenario: Again, mankind has punished itself for creating nuclear weapons in some World War III scenario that results in widespread death, devastated cities, and other effects, such as blindness, from the hole we blasted in the ozone.
Pros:
- Being blind is kinda like being blindfolded, which is always sexy.
- The nuclear fallout results in widespread mutations. Before you know it, three-breasted women and multi-penised dudes will litter the barren landscape. Score! Because there's some, and then there's more.
- Mila Kunis is in The Book of Eli. Mila Kunis is sexy. According to the transitive property of equality, post-nuclear apocalypses are sexy.
Cons:
- Rationing lube = not sexy.
- People killing each other for handiwipes = not sexy.
- Lack of modern conveniences, such as plumbing, leads to mondo stinkiness. However, this is mitigated by the fact that absolutely everything smells like shit, so you can't really tell that the hot dude with the eyepatch hasn't washed his balls in three years.
Sexy Points: 7.5
Zombie Apocalypse
Scenario: You know the drill. Whether viral or voodoo, something makes the dead walk the Earth, reverting to their basest instincts and craving human flesh. Sounds pretty sexy, right?
WRONG. The zombie apocalypse is, in fact, the LEAST sexy apocalypse.
Pros:
- Are you fucking kidding?!
Cons:
- Everyone stinks from the zombie filth they have to spread upon themselves in order to stay masked from the undead. Nothing squashes libido faster than picking clumps of dried-up bile out of your hair before boning.
- If you watched last week's "The Walking Dead," you know that children are always getting lost in the woods or shot by some yokel, which can be a big distraction from sexy time.
- Watching the undead hordes rip someone's flesh apart is a total mood-killer, especially when they get back up and try to eat you.
- Any sexual relationships that do develop seem to lead to awkwardness and suicide within your wandering tribe (See: all Walking Dead relationships)
Sexy Points: 2
Global Warming Apocalypse
Scenario: Global warming causes the polar ice caps to melt, drowning the Earth in rising levels of water. Survivors have to learn to live in this "Waterworld," and some turn kinda fishy.
Pros:
- Everyone's always wet and has tanned, lithe, muscular, swimmer bodies. There's lots of screwing.
- It's like a year-long pool party you never have to leave! Bring on the mojitos! Just steer clear of those pirates over there, they're not the Johnny Depp kind.
- Underwater sex is a major turn-on.
Cons:
- Watch out for sharks. They are drawn to the smell of ocean sex.
- The aforementioned pirates. If you're lucky, the only thing you'll catch from them is scabies.
Sexy Points: 9.5
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